Previously on Daytime Divas...
What are you all moping around for?
Nobody died.
If you can cover the desk, I can help her with these.
Look, check it, you drive a car
all around New York doing interviews.
Run that by me again.
[chuckles] Oh.
Is that really how you're gonna talk to me right now?
(Heather) Get the book.
...for the husband is the head of the wife.
- Kibby. - It's complicated.
But you don't love the man
and you're not happy with him. What's so complicated?
I'm pregnant, John.
- I found a sperm donor. - Already.
- Throat surgery, my ass. - Don't threaten me, Mo.
Does Maxine Robinson live here?
Are you a friend of Maxine's?
Could I ask you a couple questions?
(Maxine) In all my years recording the news
I've interviewed presidents, princes, and pop stars.
But there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So, a decade ago, I created a show
where women could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And, boy, do they ever!
When I drive, I give more tips than I get so don't stiff me.
That's not how I like to get stiffed.
[moans]
- The phone is on the floor. - Oh, it's okay.
- Feel me, baby. - Oh, baby, I could feel you.
But the problem is that I can hear you.
And I can't watch my "Moto Mo" video.
- [Mo moans] - I got it, baby.
Ooh, I am loving this view right now.
Good things are comin', baby.
- Here you are. - Ah!
Oh! Oh, baby this is a good shot.
[Mo screams]
[audience applauding]
Welcome back to "The Lunch Hour."
So, we've all seen that provocative article
in the "Times" about the female gaze.
Oh, there'd definitely a female gaze which objectifies men
the same way the male gaze objectifies the women.
What is wrong with that?
I am objectifying that gentleman
in the third row right now.
Hey, boo!
Yeah, I mean we all like to look at pretty people.
But for me, the sex of the person
is the least important thing.
We've heard about that.
But the gaze thing, that gets me
in trouble because you can tell if they're hot
but you can't tell if they're gonna end up
like cheating on you with some random guy
that you met having a threesome.
You are really into this sexually fluid thing.
You know how an adjustable chair has a sweet spot.
You know what, Kibs, I'm sorry that it's not
working out with you and your girl.
You know, don't worry about it.
You're young, you're fine.
I'm sure you will find some more sexually fluids in you soon.
As long as you're responsible and safe.
Thanks guys for minimizing my heartache.
And special shout out to Heather for the low-key homophobia.
You know, sitting is the new cancer.
- It's worse than smoking. - You know what else is smoking?
These new videos I've been making with Leon
the hardest working PA in show business.
Camera 3, get a gaze at Leon and, ladies, objectify.
Camera 3, a quick pop-up to the PA.
You know, Mo, I'm almost afraid to ask you
but what is it that you two are doing in these videos?
Okay, driving a Moto.
It's like Uber, only I'm driving.
It's called "Moto Mo."
I drive around meeting crazy people.
I got a two-star rating. Thank you, Kevin.
And also thank you for funking up my Escalade.
There's lot of new stuff around here.
Looks like I got a new mug.
Well, at least you still got that old mug.
[laughing]
Very funny, Mo.
Sometimes, it's nice to change things up.
How about a new co-host?
synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*
What the hell is "Moto Mo"
and why am I hearing it for the first time on air?
And, Ramona, make it your business
to see that no one messes with the setting of my chair.
- I'll try it, but... - And where is my lucky mug?
For over 2000 episodes, I've drunk coffee, tea
and sometimes vodka out of it. Find it, please.
I'll try, but I'm not...
You know, ever since this coma incident
things have been slipping around here.
It's not just the settings of my chair or the mug...
By the way, my pajama jeans are gone too.
Mom, who the hell wants your pajama jeans?
I'll check with security.
But relax, these really are just little things.
Oh, I've been in this business long enough to know that
seemingly little things turn into big things.
It's things like Mo trying to take over a segment on air.
I'll take care of it. I do have some good news.
- Oh, good, I need some. - So, check it out.
I hustled big time and booked Rihanna
for the show, Thursday. An exclusive.
That is great news.
Well, let's promote the hell out of it.
Already in the works, I beat out "The View"
"The Talk", all the other covens.
I am so proud of you, sweetheart.
Now go out there and be my hammer.
Mnh-mnh.
- Don't go rogue on air again. - Wait, now I'm just confused.
Fans love it when I go rogue.
That's good for the show, right?
Not at the expense of your co-host.
Watch your insults especially those directed at Maxine.
Dude, that is just my comedy. That is how I do.
And most of my insults are directed at me, anyway.
Dude, no, they're not.
Don't go off-topic plugging some bootleg project
you're making with our most useless PAs.
Leon is not useless. He just needs a leg up.
Not everyone was born with a silver spoon
stuck up their butt.
Watch it, Mo.
[sarcastically] Watch it, Mo.
Hey, Mo.
- You gonna apologize? - Oh, no. I don't do that.
Just gonna suck up a little.
I've got some dish for Maxine that she is going to eat up.
[knocks]
Maxine!
- Come in. - Oh, hey, Maxine.
Hello, ladies.
Guess who called me? Anna Crouse.
- Really? How is she? - And who's Anna Crouse?
She used to be my assistant who I promoted
to associate producer. She was a very hard worker.
Mm, she left about eight years ago right before you came.
Poor thing wanted to be on camera.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
She used to wear sweatpants to work.
- Oh, oh, oh, those sweats. - 'Oh!
Ew, it was peach-colored velour every day.
I cannot forget them and I've tried.
Well, I did like her though. She was very smart.
It's a shame she was so uncouth.
So, what happened to her?
Well, I gently guided her to the realization
that her real talent lay in reporting.
- She had a face for podcast. - Ooh, poor thing
Could not take constructive criticism.
Every time I would walk by her desk
she'd be shakin', her face would be all red.
You couldn't tell her if she was going to cry or explode.
Well, well, I could. Hmm.
Anyway, she found her niche.
I got her set up at the "LA Times"
and she's really doing well for herself.
Well, now she's back in town
working at "New York Weekly" and writing a book.
- About you. - Oh.
So, do you want me to give her an interview?
Only if I can count on you to say nice things, Mo.
So... no.
- Ha! - Ha!
Anna, it's Maxine. Ah, it's been too long.
I insist on taking you out for a drink.
I absolutely insist.
Well, as soon as you possibly can.
Everyone's gone home.
It was hard enough seeing you with Andrew before.
- Now it's at a whole new level. - I know.
I know, but he's a public figure.
We're having a kid. All that goes out the window.
Well, it can't just happen overnight.
Does he even know that you're pregnant?
No, because it could get ugly if I don't do this the right way.
We've got eight months to figure this out.
We're waiting till our baby's born?
No.
But that's also the election.
They're happening at the same time.
Jesus, Nina.
I know. I know.
Look, I'm sorry, okay.
Can I see you tonight? Is Andrew in town?
No, but I...
I just wanna be with you, baby.
I love you so much.
♪ Got this feeling that you saved me ♪
♪ I've been driving with no lights on lately ♪
♪ I was fading now I'm craving ♪
♪ You used a magic spell to tame me ♪
Maxine.
Anna.
I almost didn't recognize you. You look incredible!
You sound so surprised.
It's just quite the transformation.
You look like an entirely different person.
Underneath it all, I'm still the same old Anna.
You know, frizzy hair, lipstick on my teeth.
Or is it, oh, too frumpy for the cameras?
- Well, I didn't say that. - You implied it.
Oh, whatever advice I gave you was to encourage you
to set you on the right path and it worked.
- All done with love. - Hmm.
- No hard feelings. - Oh, I don't have feelings.
Maxine, I'm kidding.
Of course, there are no hard feelings.
Come on. Cheers.
It's so gratifying to see how far you've come, Anna.
Once I was on the right career path
everything else fell into place.
I got myself healthy physically, mentally.
A therapy. Got my teeth fixed.
That's it. It's the teeth. That's what's different.
I feel like I have a stake in your success.
Oh, you were a wonderful mentor, Maxine.
- I learned so much from you. - Enough to write a book even.
I probably should have come to you sooner
but I didn't wanna say anything
till I was absolutely sure it was happening.
Have you already found an editor?
I could make some suggestions.
- I, I do know the best. - Oh, no.
Jane Felton at Klein-Parker has already stepped up.
But thank you for the offer.
Uh, you've always been so generous, Maxine.
- Well, I-I do love to help. - Oh.
Of course, I need to give my customary approvals.
You know, as a real journalist
I can't get my subject's approvals?
Well, it doesn't have to be official.
Maxine, you were the one who taught me
how important it is to have integrity.
Yes, but I also taught you that it is situational.
This book will be so great for you, Maxine.
I mean, it would give people a little peak behind the curtain.
I need my privacy.
Why don't you write a book about yourself?
- "From Mess To Success." - You're the story.
The fact that you took care of your nephew
and you raised him as your own.
You supported your husband
despite his failed business ventures.
- Boring. - No, hardly.
You and Ted were an iconic power couple.
I really think you should consider the consequences.
Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. I gotta take this.
You know, life of a journalist. But I'll be in touch.
This should cover it, okay?
Jane, darling.
I would love to see any chapters
Anna has delivered to you thus far.
That'd be a huge breach of confidence.
Like you publishing an unauthorized biography about me?
Honey, you don't wanna get me even more upset about this.
[sighs] Alright, I'll slip you the pages.
But I need you to put a client on your show.
- Fine. Who is it? - Kelly Osborne.
Nice try, Jane.
My client has a book she needs to promote.
Uh, your client said my Emmy dress was so tight
you could see the stick up my ass.
She's so funny.
That was vintage Valentino.
Maxine you're not getting thin-skinned, are you?
What's the book? And thanks for calling me thin.
It's a book on hair and poetry, and I need her on this Thursday.
No, can do. I have a big guest for Thursday.
- How about next Wednesday? - It has to be Thursday.
That's the official book launch.
We have Rihanna for Thursday.
Do you want the pages?
That's already been established.
Then it's Thursday and top of show.
- I'm sure Rihanna can wait. - I'll remember this, Jane.
Oh, uh, once again, Philip
please have your dog defecate outside
and not in front of my door.
Augustus is old and incontinent.
It's just around the corner for you, Maxine.
So, don't expect me to be kind
when you're relieving yourself in front of my door.
William, uh, when you have a moment
I have some boxes I'd like taken away.
Of course, Miss Robinson.
Max, what's wrong?
An old assistant of mine is writing a book about me.
She's asking about Ted and his business...
...and our marriage.
- You're gonna be okay, baby. - Are you sure?
No one will find out what happened that night.
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Great show, Maxine. I cried.
But I also have this awful sty.
Fascinating, Ramona. Maybe you should write a book.
Oh, actually I was...
[cell phone rings]
Hey, what are you doing?
Meeting some new campaign consultants.
- Now, is it me being me enough? - Well, it is for me.
So, Nin, I checked the fertility app.
Wow. You are really embracing this.
When I commit to something, I'm all in.
And the app says now is the time to try the insemination.
Try...
Oh, uh, yeah.
So, when's our appointment?
Oh, you wanna come with me?
I should be with you, right?
Uh, well, look, it's not that big of a deal.
It's just a quick Turkey Baster.
I'd, I'd probably feel more pressured
which I don't think is good for, you know, that.
Well, I don't want you to feel pressured, so...
Great. How about I just call you right after?
Okay.
I'm here if you need me. Call you later.
- I love you. - Okay. Uh, love you too.
Hi, babies! There's my sweeties.
Ooh, did y'all check out the show? Your mom tore it up.
- She always does a nice job. - Nice job?
Listen, navigatin' those ladies is a lot harder
than drivin' a race car in circles.
You can say that because you've never seen one of my races.
All I'm sayin' is it's a lotta heavy-liftin'
bein' that perky out there in our snake pit.
- Aww. Thanks, Mo. - She's good people.
Even though her politics is one big hate ground.
Mo, really, in front of the kids?
- Brad, she's just playing. - Alright, well, I'm out.
Come give your auntie some hugs before I go.
When are you comin' to see us?
Are we gonna watch some more "South Park?"
What, you've been letting them watch "South Park?"
No, no, no. He's confusin' it with "My Little Horsey."
Yeah? I'll be over real soon
and we'll continue to watch those cartoons we love so much.
Got you. I'm out.
What are those for?
Uh, mommy wears those when she's on TV.
They make her eyelashes longer, so they make eyes look bigger.
It's like mascara but times ten.
- All girls on TV wear them, BJ. - Can I try?
Hey, let's go get some grub, huh?
This is really how you're handling it?
- You're eavesdropping. - You're gettin' inseminated.
- Have you lost your mind, Nina? - I panicked, okay?
- I didn't know what to do. - Then let me handle it.
- I can talk to Andrew. - No, no, Shawn.
That would just blow up in our faces.
If this goes public now, nobody is going to look good.
This is about timing and spin.
Sweetheart, our baby is coming in eight months.
Promise me you'll handle it before then.
I promise.
[sighs]
I guess the thing that resonates with me lately
is the whole you're only as sick as your secrets thing.
I haven't had a lot of secrets.
Uh, being more of a live-out-loud girl.
I mean, I do have some secrets.
And I'm so ashamed.
And I'm not that girl anymore.
Yeah, I guess I'll do with that someday, right?
Uh, but for now at work...
...there are all these secrets.
These two people I work with really closely are hooking up.
Like, practically right on the set and...
I guess I'm triggered, you know
because I don't like secrets.
But I'm doing the steps and, um...
...coming here really helps, so, thank you.
P.S., I really suck at being single.
"Side Dish at 'The Lunch Hour.'
According to my insiders, two co-workers
at "The Lunch Hour" high up on the food chain
are getting hot and heavy behind the scenes."
Who would start a rumor like that?
I don't know. I, I have no idea.
I mean, I hate gossip having had the talk to my back
since I was 12. I mean, it's, it's not okay.
I agree. Totally petty and low.
I wonder who it is?
This "Page Six" thing has to be about us.
This is not how it can come out.
Look, it's out, Nina, and we won't be able
to spin it and it'll effect the show too.
If this "Page Six" thing is because you opened
your big mouth, I swear to you, I will...
Seriously? Now, why would I do that?
Trust me we're golden, babe.
I need everyone's attention, please.
Now!
I'm sure you've all seen the recent "Page Six" item.
Everyone should know that there are strict policies
regarding relationships in the workplace.
Who do you think's getting it on?
If it's between two consenting adults
I don't think it matters.
Everyone should also know that
leaks about this workplace will not be tolerated.
- Yeah. - Amen.
Employees of "Lunch Hour" deserve an expectation
of safety and security, which has recently been breached
by a rash of petty thefts.
Maxine's Twirl It wig has gone missing
and it cost more than I make in a year.
That ain't petty, people.
Whoever is leaking information or stealing, know this.
You will be found out.
Not only will you be terminated
you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
And, Ramona, our fridge is not stocked with Pellegrino.
- It should never run out. - I am so sorry.
It's Leon's job, but I...
Uh, passin' the buck is how you get passed over.
So, let's all shake it off
be better because we have a show to do.
And that's how you lay it down, bitches.
I bet it was that little Kibby that spilled.
I bet she's past her little girl phase
and she wants you all for herself.
I don't think she knows anything about us.
What about Nina?
She's all into high news and bein' a snot
and you just know she rolls down and dirty.
[phone beeps]
Oh, here's someone that wants to go to Westport.
- Where's Westport at? - Connecticut.
Near Heather. We could drop him off.
Drop in on her, "The Lunch Hour" fans will eat that up.
- Well, let's go. - Here we go.
Another "Moto Mo."
What's goin' on here?
Uh, you're gonna have to be a little more specific.
I booked Rihanna for Thursday's show
and then I find out Kelly Osbourne's comin' instead.
Well, Rihanna's people canceled.
Why didn't I know that?
Because sometimes, uh, when people get nervous
they come directly to me. But, I called in a favor
and that's why we have Kelly Osbourne booked.
Mom, if you want me to run this show
you have to let me run this show.
This is where Heather lives, white Christian lady
with all the white picket fences.
The only thing here that's not white is me and the nanny.
Which, by the way, there she is with Heather's kids.
Hi, Averline.
[speaking in foreign language]
And Savannah. Oh.
And Brad Jr.
Oh, my man.
Boy, why are you in a dress?
- Because I feel pretty in it. - Fair enough.
When mommy lets BJ wear a dress, his name's Ella.
Well, Ella is a beautiful name.
- Leon, turn the camera off. - Done.
I'm takin' them out for a little while.
Well, that's nice. You ladies have fun.
- We're trying to. - Yes, Auntie Mo.
That's my baby.
- Uh, is Heather home? - They both are.
Okay. Well, we are at the portal.
Come on. The portal to Heather's world.
So, we're gonna open the door and we're gonna see
just how little Miss Perfect Suburban Mom lives in her home.
[knocks]
Hello?
Okay, let me... Ooh, they got a doorbell.
There ain't no doorbell in the projects.
[doorbell rings]
Okay. Alright.
Let's take our chances.
Boo-yow! Now, this is how they door it in the suburbs.
They really leave their doors unlocked.
Let's just hope they don't sic a dog on me or somethin'.
Okay, so, this is how they live in the suburbs.
- It's really... - Aah!
(Brad) 1 Timothy 2:11-12.
"A woman is to learn in silence with all subjection."
- I will. - Shh.
- Aah! - "It is better to dwell..."
Um, Leon, I think you should go wait in the car.
Why? Damn.
Just go wait in the car.
- Come on. - Just go in the car.
- Aah! - Proverb 31.
(Brad) "A virtuous wife is more precious than rubies."
(Heather) Stop.
(Brad) You stay late and try on dresses.
You should be here with your family!
[grunts]
Ephesians 5:33.
"The wife is to reverence her husband.
- She is to obey him." - I know!
Then stop turning our little boy into a freak.
Don't call our sweet child a freak!
If you can't love who God gave us
then you need me to paddled.
Hey! What up, what up?
- What up? - What are you doin' here?
I, I just came by to see the kids.
I knocked on the door, rang the doorbell.
Uh, I hope I wasn't interrupting anything... crazy.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm good.
So, um, I'll catch you at work.
[chuckles] Alright, alright, alright. God bless you. Alright.
- [knock on door] - Come in.
- Hey, Mo. - Hey!
I'm sorry that you saw what you saw yesterday.
Oh, no, no, no. It's all good.
I shouldn't have barged in on you like that.
But I don't judge
Good. Leave that to the good lord.
Yeah, I mean, you know, if that weird
Christian, S&M role-play shit works...
It's called Christian Domestic Discipline.
- It's all based on scripture. - Oh.
Well, you and I must have read different drafts of the Bible.
I mean, I just don't get it.
Just doesn't seem religious or sexy to me at all.
It's not supposed to be sexy although I...
[chuckles] Usually we have really hot sex right after.
[chuckles] Oh, that's all good.
You know, you can have your kinky three-way with God.
You won't tell anyone, will you?
Of course not.
And since we're friends...
...let me say this.
If it works for you, I support you.
Yeah. I really appreciate that.
That's if you are sure that it's working
and if you are sure that you're happy.
Of course, I'm happy.
Have a good show, Mo.
Okay, you too.
We are back at "The Lunch Hour."
Once again, here's Maxine.
Our first guest has an exciting new book
all about her poetic hair journey.
Here she is. Ms. Kelly Osbourne.
[cheering and applauding]
- Hello. - Now, Kelly.
So happy to have you here. We love your dress.
Thank you. You look great too.
My mom used to have a tablecloth just like this.
Your mom has impeccable taste.
So, tell us, how did you come to write this book?
It's, uh, seems like a, a unusual departure
from your red carpet insults.
I do not insult people, Maxine.
It's their clothes that insult me.
Oh. Uh, note taken.
Uh, so anyway back to the book.
Um, how did you come up with this... concept?
I had this book deal and of course, the obvious thing
to do would be to write a book.
But I like to go with the unexpected.
I have all of these pictures of my hair and I thought hmm.
And now hair we are.
- Oh. - And Rihanna's not.
Wow. So it's 300 pages of hair pictures.
- I call them hairfies. - Like selfies?
Selfies are so narcissistic.
Hairfies are an artistic statement.
Statement of what?
- A statement about my hair. - Powerful.
I sent the manuscript into my editor
and all of a sudden, she said, "Where are the words?"
So, I decided to write haikus
but instead of calling them haikus, I call them hairkus.
Hysterical.
- You'd like me to read you one? - No.
I'm, I'm just, I'm just playin'.
I would love for you to read me one.
"Purple hair means I don't care. Carelessness is in the air."
Kelly, aren't haikus supposed to be 5-7-5 syllables?
They're not haikus, they're hairkus.
I really don't like my creativity being confined.
Well, if fear of this being labelled a grotesque
cultural appropriation couldn't hold you back
then I don't know what could.
Well, you know, Kelly, I don't have much time to read
so, I'm gonna wait for that audio book to drop.
- You know, what I'm sayin'? - Next week.
- Great. - Seriously?
Excuse me, but are they slagging on my book?
- Oh, no. - No, no, no.
Kelly dear, they're just having a little fun.
Oh. Ha ha. Fun.
And, uh, speaking of fun
uh, we've got a fun video for you.
- Uh... - Well, all I got is "Moto Mo."
It's called "Moto Mo."
That's, that's my, that's my video.
Moto! Do you recognize me?
- Are you Wanda Sykes? - No, I almost pulled over.
- Try again. - Uh, Whoopi Goldberg.
- [tires screeching] - Get the hell out!
- Are you serious? - Out.
Put a egg in your shoe and beat it.
So, when you get a Moto, do you like your driver to be chatty
or are you a keep-it-to-yourself type of guy?
So, you're not chatty. Playin' hard to get, huh?
Clearly, you want my panties.
- What the hell? - What?
I'm goin' for five stars, baby.
[laughing]
[car honking]
So, was that "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
or "Watch Out" by 2 Chainz?
Hey! Hey!
♪ Let me see your... ♪
- [tires screeching] - Moto!
[cheering and applause]
♪ Mm. Mm, uh. ♪
♪ Mm, uh, mm, uh. ♪
What are you doing?
That is my I-saved-the-show dance.
- You look like a goddamn idiot. - Whatever.
- We need to talk. - Yeah, we do.
- You can find me in my office. - How 'bout you find me?
Well, surprise, surprise.
What are you doing here?
Nina, we've been married how many years?
Do you really think I'd let you go through his alone?
Oh, well, that is sweet.
You can't come down on me for not bein' in control one day
and then cut my balls off the next.
Why the hell would you bump Rihanna?
She went to "The View" instead.
I'm sorry, sweetheart. I owed someone a favor.
I, I had no choice.
What kind of favor? Mom, this is insane.
I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't important to me.
- I, I can't explain. - You set Mo up perfectly.
Unfortunately, the success of that video
enables her insolence.
I understand that. I know.
But my job is to make this show entertaining, so we get ratings.
- That's my job. - I understand, honey.
We'll just to have to keep her in check
while remaining vigilant about all the other stuff around here.
I'm working on it.
Darling, I don't mean to be a nag
but now I can't find my Prada pumps!
Hey, um, Maxine, can I talk to you for a sec?
Of course, sweetie.
I'm the "Page Six" leak.
I was sharing in AA which is supposed to be a safe space.
Well, sadly, you can't assume anything.
Yeah, I, I know that now.
I only mentioned my co-workers having an affair
because the secret was stressing me out, so...
Well, thank you for sharing, Kibby.
You have to be more discreet and less trusting.
Yeah, like, I don't already have
a mountain of trust issues to climb.
Uh, who were the coworkers you were referring to?
- Oh, I, I can't say. - Really?
I have to have respect for other people's privacy
if I want them to respect mine.
Well, that's admirable, Kibby.
You'll have to steer clear from the AA meetings.
But I really need the support system
of the program, like, badly.
I-I mean, I'm not good at being single and...
Well, I understand, but now it's not safe.
I'll, uh, help you figure, uh, something out.
- Honey, you okay? - What?
You seem nervous.
No, no, I'm fine.
I know, I hesitated at first, but...
...now I'm sure a sperm donor's the right thing.
- Me too. - As long as you're 100% sure.
- Are you? - Yes, of course. I'm sure.
- I'm sure. - Good.
So...
[alarm ringing]
How far you plan to take this?
What are you doing?
Part of me is kind of impressed.
Well, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Of course, I know who I'm dealing with, so should you.
I'm runnin' for office, Nina.
I'm doin' everything I can to make sure I'm bulletproof
and scandal proof.
Say what it is you wanna say, Andrew.
We both know you're already pregnant.
- Wha... No, what, I, I don't... - Was he a good lay?
What are you talking? It's no, it wasn't about that, Andrew.
Oh, no? Oh, so you love him?
Here's how you're gonna make it right, Nina.
We're gonna stay together while I get through this election.
Then after I've been in Congress for a year or two
we'll get a divorce.
It might be unamicable or I might want to say
that it was my wife's heartbreaking infidelity
that forced me to end the marriage.
I haven't decided, but make no mistake.
It will be on my terms.
I'm not doing any of that.
Oh, I think you are.
Unless you want me reveal what you did
as a young, hungry journalist.
I could ruin your career.
- What about you, hm? - What about me?
You're not so squeaky clean yourself.
Do you really wanna go there, Andrew?
It's just survival, Nina. It's what we do.
So, for now
the plan is that we're still a blissfully happy power couple.
I assume you're good with that.
[alarm ringing]
Come on, guys. We're gonna be late for school.
Here you go. Here you go.
Eh, where are you goin'?
- Love you guys. - Learn some stuff today, huh?
- Make your daddy proud. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Honey, I've been doing a lot of praying lately.
Good.
And soul-searching and crying...
This is a trial that we've been handed
and we will get through it.
I know I can, but...
...I'm not happy.
Well, you know, I haven't been
so up about stuff myself either.
Christian Domestic Discipline isn't working for me anymore.
- We can give it a rest. - Look, it's not just that.
We don't see eye to eye on so many things.
None of this is working for me.
What are you talking about?
I'm not leaving 'cause we are a family.
I know that.
But if you can't accept our child, then I can't accept you.
I'm not leaving my house.
Well, of course not, Brad.
You're moving into the basement.
Pack your things before I get home tonight.
Please.
- [knock on door] - Uh, come in.
Kibby, I want you to meet someone I found to help you.
Julian, this is Kibby.
- Kibby, this is Julian. - Hi.
Uh, since we decided you can't go to AA meetings anymore
I found you a personal sober coach.
'Julian is an expert.'
Sorry, this is weird and, no offense...
...a bit intrusive?
I get that. Hey, that's not the intent.
You know, I've actually been through recovery myself, so...
He helped three pop stars, an entire metal band
and a congressman get sober.
Just payin' it forward, I guess.
I don't need a babysitter.
I think you should try it.
I'm paying for it.
And while you're on my show, I think it's a good idea.
Fine.
- [knock on door] - Yes.
Hey.
Uh, mom, got something you want to see.
Oh.
Ramona, please, be careful.
- I didn't see you. - I know. I'm sorry.
You're always scurrying about or underfoot.
One of these days, someone's gonna accidently trample you
and then I'll be sued.
So, we've been reviewin' the security footage
and found some things that might interest you.
Watch this.
That's the thief.
Wait, wait a minute. Can you blow that up?
[gasps]
- Oh! - Is that...
That is Mo and Leon
fornicating in my chair!
You know, forget about this petty theft goin' around.
This is a real crime.
You did it. Oh!
[knocks]
Oh, right.
- Maxine got me a sober coach. - Okay.
He's like a butler who doesn't bring you martinis.
Julian, could you wait for me outside?
Of course, Kibby.
Am I really so much of a mess that I need someone
around me 24/7? I mean, I don't think so.
Seems extreme and controlling. It's very Maxine.
Oh, anyway, I do have to tell you something.
There's this one thing that sort of got the ball rolling.
Um... I know something's up with you and Shawn.
Oh. Uh, well, y-you probably misinterpreted something that...
Making out? Oh, it's okay. I didn't tell anyone.
Well, I was talking about it in AA, but no names
or specifics or anything and that's what ended up
in "Page Six" and I'm sorry.
Uh, well...
Thank you for telling me.
And now I'm the asshole who can't even be honest
in an AA meeting.
Yeah, that's, that's too bad.
It is because I really liked being able to share
all my boring addiction stuff.
You know that saying, you're only as sick as your secrets?
It's actually, like, super deep.
Well, it's true.
Secrets can kill you.
(Mo) Oh, my God. Are you kiddin' me?
You cannot fire me!
Na, na, na, na! I have a contract.
I have fans who eat out of the palm of my hand.
I have to let you go.
I saw footage of you sexually harassing an underling.
That's what you're calling it?
Well, that's what my lawyers and HR are calling it.
Not only the could the show be liable
but the entire network could be.
I don't know who you think you're playin' with!
But this ain't over, okay?
I've got lawyers and I don't walk away!
♪ Mm mm oh ♪
And this my, uh, um, I-fired-Mo dance.
♪ Mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm ♪
Now you look like a goddamn idiot.
Move!
Where did I...
Wait, wait a minute.
I brought you coffee all these years, old man.
I'm gonna miss her so much.
She's always been such a good friend to me.
Which is why I probably should have her dressing room.
Take that left chair to the East River and drown it.
Oh, come on, people.
Only 60 bucks for Maxine's mug. There's still lipstick on it.
[cat mewing]
If only she would have given me that promotion I asked for.
(Philip) Estate jewels always come with a history.
That's a big part of their allure.
You could write a story about each and every one of them.
Well, perhaps I'll write a series
of articles, not just the one.
What about the people who buy these pieces?
- They must be fascinating. - Indeed.
I've sold them to movie stars, politicians, oligarchs.
I have a confession to make. It's kind of my guilty pleasure.
I watch "The Lunch Hour"
and Maxine Robinson's jewelry is so lovely.
Has she ever bought a piece from here?
No, God, no. That woman is a neighbor of mine.
- She lives right next door. - Really?
Oh, yeah, that's costume stuff from the mall.
Not the friendliest neighbor either, by the way.
I'm so sorry. I've always loved her.
She's not exactly the chirpy news lady
you see on the TV.
- Oh, my God. Really? - Oh, yeah.
I could tell you stories.
Oh, I hate that I had to lie to Shawn to get these
but... I had no choice.
What has she got?
Well, she knows about Ted's failures
his financial troubles.
She's getting warm.
It was a long time ago, Maxine.
I'm sure nothing damning is gonna surface.
If Anna learned anything from working with me
it's how to get people to talk.
To crack open a story.
[sighs]
There's no way in hell I'm gonna let Anna Crouse
find out the truth.
If anyone's going down... it's Anna.
If anyone is going down, it's gonna be Maxine.
She has not seen the last of me.
Oh, hell, no!
(Maxine) Next time on "Daytime Divas..."
Portia Camden, she's a lifestyle guru.
We will be gracious and respectful
and then we'll ice her out.
The restraining order against Kibby Ainsley has been lifted.
No way, you want me to make amends to Maddie on air?
I don't even wanna be in the same room as Maddie Finn.
(Shawn) You know, I had a little conversation with Andrew.
You spoke to Andrew behind my back.
I wouldn't say that...
I would never let some bitch come up in here
and take my place. I'll be all over...
Would you just let me finish, please?
You really wanna tangle with me?
I'm not afraid of you, Maxine.
You have no power over me anymore.
We'll see.
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